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The Way of the Dildo, or: How to Be a Professional Businesswoman
What the hell did I just say?Image courtesy of photostock/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to be a writer. Around the age of six or seven, as soon as I got basic...
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We Need 10 CCs of Feminism – STAT
I’m “that person” – the one known for pointing out sexism, noticing gendered language, or speaking up about inequalities. I get eye rolls. Someone even patted me on the head once after I said, “Not...
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Making the Oscars Better
I love movies. When I was in summer camp in middle school, the camp counselors would take us to movies during the heat of the day. The local movie theatre ran discount shows during off-peak times for...
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The Evils of Advertising
There are many wonderful things on the Internet. Cats live inside the Internet, for example. And people use a lot of exclamation points to show their emotions online. Not to mention all the naked...
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One Woman’s Journey Back to Television
This one time, I went to a Renaissance Faire and stopped by a fortune teller’s tent. (I know the above sentence is a lot to take in. It tells you that: 1.) I’m the type of person who goes to...
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Give Me a Break
Image courtesy of ahmet guler / FreeDigitalPhotos.net I’ve been feeling overwhelmed of late. I do too much. We all do too much, don’t we? As an ex-perfectionist, I still sometimes think I can manage...
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How to Get Ready for the Return of Arrested Development
Gird your bananas. The greatest show on the planet, Arrested Development, is coming back tonight on Netflix. Are you ready? You don’t want to be left holding the teabag! Maybe even worse – you don’t...
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Going Off the Rails
Image courtesy of tongdang / FreeDigitalPhotos.net I have transportation phobias. For one, I’m bad at flying. Not that long ago, I would cry during takeoff. Once in the air I would settle, but takeoff...
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I’m 35 and Not Ready for a Baby
Image courtesy of sritangphoto / FreeDigitalPhotos.net So that title is a bit misleading. I’m not 35 yet, but I’m close. Everyone knows that there are special risks associated with having a child after...
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A Curly Hair Journey
When I was in 4th grade, there was a girl in my school named Jessica or Heather or some other snobby ‘80s name. She was perfect in the sense that nothing seemed out of place. She wore spotless dresses...
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We’ll Live Like Damn Hell Ass Kings
I’ve recently started cursing. Out loud, in front of other people. In my mind I’ve always cursed, but I never let the words escape my lips because I held fast to some romantic notion of perfection and...
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You Can’t Make Me Read These Books
Image courtesy of Victor Habbick / FreeDigitalPhotos.net There was a Facebook meme circling not too long ago – “The 100 Greatest Books That You’ve Never Read, You Feculent Dim-Wit,” or the like. It was...
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Mark Ruffalo and the Tale of the Great Hairy Chest
It’s no secret to those who know me that I have a preference for hirsute men. My husband keeps a small beard most of the time because he knows I like it. He also has hairy arms, sideburns, and a chest...
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New York vs. Boston: Round 1*
Image courtesy of rosezombie / FreeDigitalPhotos.net When I first moved to New York after a decade in Boston, I got a lot of weird reactions from people. I heard: – “Boston isn’t a city. It’s a small...
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I’m 35. Here’s Everything I Know So Far.
I’m about to have another birthday. Having been on the planet a respectable amount of years now, I know some stuff. It’s nothing earth-shatteringly profound, like, Love is all you need. Pithy sayings...
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Je Ne Regrette Rien
In my 20s, whenever anyone asked if I had any regrets, this was me: I said this because I felt that regrets were for people who got impulsive tattoos and drank themselves sick. They were for people who...
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I’ll Give You a Real War on Christmas
Dear Dipshit Turd Queen Butt Boil Sarah Palin, Recently, you said some stuff about Christmas. Namely, that non-Christians are trying to “abort Christ from Christmas.” You said that Thomas Jefferson,...
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“The arc of the moral universe is long but it bends toward justice”
Image courtesy of sakhorn38 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net In 2003, I was mugged. I lived in a Boston neighborhood undergoing gentrification (that’s the code word, of course, for what happens when privileged...
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Happy 30th Birthday, Neverending Story
Lots of you know that I write movies. But what you might not know is that the single greatest influence in my life as a screenwriter is a dark children’s movie that came out in 1984, when I was six...
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